Paul on Parenting: Parenting by Grace, not Rules

In the midst of life's struggles, it is all too easy to turn one's focus to one's own pain and to forget the ultimate purpose of life. As such, following Paul's discussion of the human weakness that God desires to use to reveal His extraordinary power, he takes the opportunity in 2 Cor. 4:15 to remind the Corinthians of the goal of every believer, which is particularly significant for Christian parents. 15 Indeed, everything is for your benefit, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to increase to God’s glory. 2 Corinthians 4:15 (HCSB) The first thing Paul says is that "all this is for you." The phrase "all this" likely refers back to verses7-11 in which Paul shares how his own weakness is the stuff through which God reveals His power and life. This is why Paul's suffering is "for their benefit." How did Paul’s spiritual children benefit? Paul endured by the power and life of God which "extended grace" to more and more people, that is, to many of the Corinthians. When parents go through struggles with their teens, it ought to be viewed as an opportunity to show the power and life of God so that God's grace will be "extended" to many others. The spread of grace to those around produces the fruit of thankfulness. Not just a little thankfulness, but an overflowing abundance of thankfulness. So God gives the "knowledge of God's glory in the face of Jesus Christ (4:6)" to frail humans in order to reveal his power and life so that His grace will spread, producing thanksgiving. Parents, then, must work to spread God's grace to the many in their families. What does this look like? When parents struggle with their teens, the teens must see how parents respond graciously. Parents must discipline as God would discipline. The initial goal, then, is to enable the teen to be at peace with God, to know God's favor which leads to a thankful heart, which is often absent during the teenage years. Yet, the spread of grace unto thanksgiving is still not the ultimate goal. Paul's final phrase "to the glory of God" is the key. Every act of parenting, every struggle, and every conflict ought to be an opportunity for God to reveal his power and life through the parent to the teen so that God's grace will be extended to the teen, producing a thankful heart, and this is not for the goal of peace in the family, but for the glory of God. Familial peace is a fruit. The declaration of the greatness of God is the goal. How successfully do you allow God to use your weakness to show his power and life? How does your parenting spread God's grace to your teen? Is God made to look as great as He is by your teens thankfulness for God's grace?

If teens get their values from parents, and the knowledge of God and His greatness is THE treasure, and if it is the natural frailty of human parents that provides the opportunity for God's great power to be shown, what does this all look like? 2 Cor. 4:7-11 provides the four life-situations that provide the "teachable moments" through which the importance of knowing God's greatness can be clearly communicated. The first is when parents are "pressured in every way" but remain free to live for Christ in every choice. The second is when parents have no clue what to do, but still do not despair. The third is when parents are "persecuted" but live on knowing God will never leave them. 7 Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 8 We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 9 we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. 10 We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 (HCSB) The fourth situation in which the extraordinary power of God can be seen in the parents' lives is when the parents are cast down, knocked down, or hurt badly. The same Greek word refers to the people of Capernaum being "cast down" to Hades in Matt. 11:23 and to Satan being "cast out" of the presence of God in Rev. 12:10. How are parents cast down or cast out? As aliens in this world, believing parents will experience rejection. Whether physical, social, or emotional, it will certainly be painful. When excluded, shunned, or rejected by others, parents can model how to live in God's strength by their conviction that destruction is not something that the world can impose on the believer. The Bible is clear when it says that believers need not fear man who can kill the body, but rather should fear God who can destroy both body and soul (Matt. 10:28). Parents can endure by the power of God when they are rejected and hurt by others because they know that whatever man does to them, man cannot destroy them. The believing parent can exhibit faith in the power of God by living out the psalmist's affirmation of Ps. 118:6 "The Lord is for me, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" This world can cause intense pain. But this world has no power to destroy the believing parent because of the power of God. Paul reiterates this truth in 2 Cor. 4:10 when he says that it is by carrying the death of Christ in the body that we reveal the life of Christ. Do your teens see the powerful life of God in your body when you suffer, or does your suffering cause your teens to see God as a little, powerless Deity?

If teens learn their values from parents, and the knowledge of God and His greatness is THE treasure, and if it is the natural frailty of human parents that provides the opportunity for God's great power to be shown, what does this all look like? 2 Cor. 4:7-11 provides the four life-situations that provide the "teachable moments" through which the importance of knowing God's greatness can be clearly communicated. The first teachable opportunity (v. 8) is when parents are "pressured in every way" but remain free to live for Christ in every choice. The second (v. 8) is when parents have no clue what to do, but still do not despair. 7 Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 8 We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 9 we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. 10 We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 (HCSB) The third situation (v. 9) is one in which parents are "persecuted." The Greek word here describes being "pursued in order to be oppressed or harassed." Paul uses this very word in Philippians 3:6 to describe his pre-conversion assault on the Church in which he sought out Christians and killed them. How are parents "persecuted" and how does this verse teach parents to train up their children as God would train them? There may be times when a parent's faith is attacked by a teen, teacher, principal, parent, co-worker, or church member. The attack may be directed toward the parent's character, a particular decision, method of parenting, or moral position. Regardless of the details, there will be times when the parent is attacked for doing what he or she believes to be the biblical, Christ-like, God-glorifying thing to do. When attacked, the immediate response is to become defensive, to justify the alleged offence, or to distance the accuser. Paul, however, gives some good news about what parents can do when attacked, and how they can use this life-situation for the glory of God and the good of their teen. Paul says when being attacked, we are not "abandoned." This word "abandoned" is the same word Jesus used on the cross when he cried out "My God, My God, why have you FORSAKEN me?" The promise we have is that we can be satisfied in the midst of an attack against us because God will never "leave" us or "forsake" us, especially when attacked (Hebrews 13:5). Those who are persecuted for doing what is right are actually blessed (Matt. 5:10). How can this be? Their hope and focus is on the fullness of salvation when there will be no more false or misdirected accusations. Every justified accusation against us is absorbed by Christ in His death. The God whose kingdom is permanent is present in the midst of every unjustified accusation. So be transparent with your teens when under attack for doing what is right. Let them learn your dependence on the sufficient work and presence of Christ. Christ was abandoned in your place so that you would never have to endure the accusations without the Advocate, Jesus Christ. Allow your teen to see your weakness so they will learn the sufficiency of God's extraordinary power.

If teens get their values from parents, and the knowledge of God and His greatness is THE treasure, and if it is the natural frailty of human parents that provides the opportunity for God's great power to be shown, what does this all look like? 2 Cor. 4:7-11 provides the four life-situations that provide the "teachable moments" through which the importance of knowing God's greatness can be clearly communicated. The first is when parents are "pressured in every way" but remain free to live for Christ in every choice. 7 Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 8 We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 9 we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. 10 We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 (HCSB) The second situation is one in which parents are "perplexed." The Greek word here indicates the condition of being "at a loss," "puzzled," or "at wits end." The same word was used to describe Herod when he listened to John and was convicted of his sin, but was at a loss for how to respond. It also described the women who went to prepare Jesus' body, but found the stone rolled away and the tomb empty. It described Paul when he rebuked the Galatians for allowing themselves to be enslaved again to "things that are not God." Paul wanted to be able to use a more gentle tone with them, but he "did not know what to do with them." Parents often feel this way, pulling out their hair, crying out "What should I do?" Paul's response is to affirm that this is the very type of situation in which God gets to flex his "extraordinary power." If God is the most powerful influence in the universe, it would be cruel of Him to keep it to Himself, and it would be most loving to reveal it. If God's power is best revealed in those times when parents are “at a loss" concerning what they should do, then great significance is given to those times of being "at wits end." The greatest thing parents can show their children is that when the path is obscured, God alone is trustworthy to shed light on the path by His Word. Parents are not supposed to teach that they should have all the answers. They should, instead, teach that God is trustworthy and that His ways are best. How is it that parents can be "at a complete loss," yet not "despair" or "lose all hope" as 2 Cor. 4:8 states? 2 cor. 1:8 offers the answer. When Paul tells of how he despaired of life itself, he goes on to say how he then remembered that he did not trust in himself, but in God "who raises the dead." Knowing God's power when the path is hidden begins with trusting that God, in His extraordinary life giving power, is perfectly sufficient. This is the very truth that children need to see.

If teens get their values from parents, and the knowledge of God and His greatness is THE treasure, and if it is the natural frailty of human parents that provides the opportunity for God's great power to be shown, what does this all look like? 2 Cor. 4:7-11 provides the four life-situations that provide the "teachable moments" through which the importance of knowing God's greatness can be clearly communicated. 7 Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 8 We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 9 we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. 10 We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 (HCSB) The first situation is one in which parents are "pressured in every way." The primary meaning of the Greek word here is to be crowded-in. The picture is of the difficulty experienced by the concert-goer who is standing at the stage of a rock concert when the entire stadium rushes the stage. The person pressed against the stage by hundreds of excited fans is "pressured in every way." This same word in Mark 3:9 describes why Jesus had his disciples get a small boat for him to stand in, so that the crowd would not "crush Him." The weakness for being controlled by people and situations is the perfect place for God to reveal His control. When a parent's personal freedom has been taken by a flood of insurmountable forces, the student needs to see the helpless plight of the parent so that he or she can also see the provision of God. Paul says that he has been pressured by forces that are beyond his control, yet he is not "crushed." The actual word here is the same word used in 2 Cor. 6:12 to refer to being "limited" or "restricted" by something. So, despite the uncontrollable pressures faced in this life, the believing parent remains unlimited or unhindered. At the very same time that the believing parent is being crushed against the concert stage by hundreds of screaming fans, she is not restricted by the immediate confines of the people pressing in around her. Why not? Because she trusts in a God who has "extraordinary power" and who will perfectly use this very situation to make that power known so that many might be drawn to Him. When your options feel limited, will you let your children see your lack of control so that they will also be able to recognize God's loving control?

Parents are the number one source from which teens glean their values. Parents can blame the television, the friends, or the culture, but the truth is that children who spend the majority of their formative years with parents esteem that which their parents esteem. 2Corinthians offers believers, which includes parents, an exhortation concerning how their lives reveal what they value to be the greatest "treasure." Paul begins 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 saying that believers have "this treasure in clay jars." But what is this treasure and how can parents give it to their children? 6 For God who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of God’s glory in the face of Jesus Christ. 7 Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 (HCSB) Paul concludes the previous section by stating that God has given us the "knowledge of God's greatness (glory) in the face of Jesus." This awareness of how amazing God is, shown to humanity in Jesus, is THE treasure. The God of glory and splendor is what humanity was created to serve (2 cor. 4:5). The more one becomes aware of God's amazing greatness, the more one treasures Him. But how are parents to relate this treasure to their children? First, parents must become convinced to the core that knowing God is the greatest treasure. This knowledge must shape schedules, priorities, leisure time, and every other part of the day. Matthew 13:44 shows how the person who treasures God's kingdom is willing to sell everything in order to get that treasure. Do you truly treasure knowing God so that your life is built around attaining that treasure? Second, we do not have to worry about producing "teachable moments" through which to communicate to our children the valuing of knowing God’s glory. God has taken care of that. Verse 7 says that God has given this treasure of knowing God's greatness to humans who are helplessly frail and weak "so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us" (emphasis mine). Although parents feel as "chipped" and fragile as “clay pots,” it is this very weakness that God uses to reveal his power. Only the perfect parent will have to develop “teachable moments” to relay God’s greatness. God will use the frailties of all non-perfect parents as His tool for teaching His glory. 2 Cor. 12:9 clearly teaches that God's "power is perfected in weakness." How have you allowed God to display His greatness to your children through your weaknesses lately? Are you transparent enough as a “clay jar” for God’s power to be recognized by your children? If we are not living to know God’s greatness in our weaknesses, the best possible expectation is to exist as a weak, breakable clay jar. Would your children say that you are week? They should. Would your children say that God is strong? They should. Would your children say you treasure His power? They should.

One of the greatest mistakes in parenting, or at least one of the easiest mistakes to fall into, is to begin to think that the parent is the one in ultimate control. While there are often times raising children in which parents feel powerless, the overall sense is that the parent ought to have control. Often times, when parents sense that they have lost control over a given situation, they will micromanage other areas of life simply to maintain that sense of having control over something. This struggle for power between parent and child can escalate to the point where there appears to be no solution. 5 For we are not proclaiming ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your slaves because of Jesus. 2 Corinthians 4:5 (HCSB) In 2 Corinthians 4:5, the apostle Paul offers a clear picture of his mindset as the spiritual father of the Corinthian church. This model provides a way through the impasse or stalemate of control between parent and child. In verse five, Paul tells the church that he and his ministry team are not asserting that they are Lord, but rather that Jesus Christ is Lord. In the surrounding context, Paul has said that many people have been blind to the truth about who Jesus is. How clearly do we as parents make known Jesus' lordship? Does the power-struggle between parent and teen exist because the authority of Christ is belittled, or even neglected, in the home? Although there are situations in which children will desire simply to follow their own rebellious natures (much like their parents), there is a way to lead children at a young age to understand that parents are not the ultimate controlling force in a family, Jesus is. By the life we lead as parents, do our children learn that the parents determine the schedule or that Jesus does? Do parents determine extra-curricular activities or does Jesus? Do parents pick their children’s friends, or is Jesus allowed input? Do the parents have the final word in an argument, or is Jesus given a place to speak? Are the parents the ultimate catalyst for behavioral modification, or is the Spirit of Jesus the primary agent of transformation? The parenting method that follows from this “Jesus has the power” mindset surely will not be a quick-fix type of solution. When a parent can sit down with a teen, open God's Word together, and search for answers to a given disagreement, Jesus is recognized rightly as the ultimate ruler and power. . . not merely over the teen, but also over the parent and the situation. Does your parenting scream "I am the one in control," or "Jesus is the one in control?" Having made the point that Jesus is the One who has ultimate power to transform our children, the explanation must be offered that God has put parents over children to be His instruments of raising children to look like Him. This task means that parents must give the actual discipline that God would give and give it for the offences that God would give it. Ephesians 5 makes it clear that the husband is to lead his family as Christ leads His church. The father leads his family only as Christ leads him. So even in discipline, parents must be ruled ultimately by Christ. As parents establish boundaries for their children, which may appear to the children like an exercise of parental control, parents must point the children to the rule of Christ in the boundary. If neither parent nor child are viewed to have ultimate power and control, the likelihood of power struggles between parent and child are reduced. Who has power in your home according to your children? If the answer is not “Jesus,” then a change in the parenting method is in order.

2 Cor. 4:1 teaches that believing parents have the ministry of reflecting Christ toward their children. It also describes how parents do not give up in this ministry because they are reflecting Christ who did not give up in his ministry of reflecting the Father to them. 2 Cor. 4:2 goes on to describe what that ministry of reflecting Christ looks like each day. Verse two contains only one main verb, "renounce." The words "walking" "corrupting" and "commending" are all just participles that describe how to "renounce" the "shameful secret things." 2 Instead, we have renounced shameful secret things, not walking in deceit or distorting God’s message, but commending ourselves to every person’s conscience in God’s sight by an open display of the truth. 2 Corinthians 4:2 (HCSB) So, as parents participate in the ministry of reflecting Christ to their children, they will "renounce," reject, or separate themselves from all the shameful secrets they have harbored. They will accomplish this by: 1) not walking or living in a sneaky way in order to hide their sins, 2) not corrupting or distorting the word of God by their actions, and 3) commending or proving themselves by an open display of the truth before all people and before God. So what do these three elements look like on a daily basis? First, parents must display God's truth instead of hiding it by admitting and clearly rejecting any personal sin. To push sin under the rug is to distort God's truth because it minimizes sin by implying that, since a rug can adequately cover the sin, Christ's sacrifice was apparently unnecessary. Second, parents encounter temptations daily to distort the message of God by the way they live. Parents must stop claiming to love God and yet secretly dread going to meet with His people. Parents must stop claiming His forgiveness and secretly harbor bitterness toward someone God created. Parents must stop saying God is most important and live in a way that prioritizes sports, academics, hobbies, wealth, and play time. Parents must stop claiming God to be all powerful but then be unable to display that power in the way that they are transformed into the image of Christ. Third, parents must not live one way in front of all people and God, but live in a different way in front of their children. Parents establish their credibility with their children by consistently and openly obeying the truth regardless of the audience. This integrity makes the parent believable in the eyes of the child. How will you display the truth of God before your children by the way you walk?

Last week we learned from 2 Cor. 3:12-18 that godly parenting is reflecting Christ, but also being transparently transformed by Christ. In 2 Cor. 4:1, Paul gives both the duration of and reason why we must reflect Christ and being transformed by Him as parents. 4 Therefore, since we have this ministry because we were shown mercy, we do not give up. 2 Corinthians 4:1 (HCSB) In verse one, the main verb phrase is "we do not give up." In this process of being transformed by Christ and reflecting Christ with "unveiled faces," the believer must endure. Prior to heaven, no one can say "I have attained the perfect reflection of Christ's great grace," or "I have been fully transformed into his image." The task of Christians and of parents is to continue in this striving until Christ returns to present them to the Father. What foundational belief, then, is it that enables, and even drives one to endure? The answer is in the opening phrase of verse one. It says, "Therefore, since we have this ministry. . . we do not give up." If "this ministry" refers to the practice of reflecting Christ to all by being changed into His image, then we do not give up because our goal is to reflect Christ who never gave up. Christ's will was to do the will of the Father to the point of death. "Since we have this ministry [of reflecting Christ]. . . we do not give up," because Jesus did not give up. In this enduring ministry, it helps to remember, as verse one reminds, that we have "received mercy." This ministry of reflecting Christ to our children and being transformed before their eyes is not something we deserve. It is an unmerited gift. How do we persevere? We remember that the holy God came down to a sinful people to redeem them with His own death. By His resurrection, that holy God destroyed death and sent His Spirit to live within us to enable us to do this ministry victoriously. What we deserve is to be excluded from God’s kingdom and family. What God gives us is this ministry of knowing as His brothers and sisters and reflecting Him to the world and to our children by looking and living more and more like Him until we see Him face to face. God is one patient Father.